Premier League Finals Preview

Simon Whitlock v Andy Hamilton

Phil Taylor v James Wade

My Way is the worst song Frank Sinatra ever put his name to.

And now the end is near

And so I face the final curtain

My friend I'll say it clear

I'll state my case of which I'm certain

“Don’t write me off. I never ever give in, I’m Andy Hamilton.”

My Way is a song about belligerently ignoring the rules of society, the evidence of you own eyes, and continuing on your own stupid course regardless. 

My favourite section is about eating food past it’s sell by date just because you’re a crazy fucker who does stuff his way, “Yes there were times I'm sure you knew, When I bit off more than I could chew, But through it all when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.”

Don’t eat that Frank! 

Minging.

It’s the theme song for every homeless drunk in the World.

But sometimes it pays to be a maverick, to steadfastly ignore conventional wisdom, the evidence of your own eyes; to never ever give in because, you know; you’re Andy Hamilton.

Hamilton was bottom of the table after six weeks, but lost only once in the second half of the season, in a match against Phil Taylor he could have drawn. 

He could have admitted he was down, out, finished, writeoffable. Done. Doesn’t deserve his place, despite a world final, despite possessing more grit than your local council in the eventuality of snowy weather.

I never ever give in, I’m Andy Hamilton.

That’s his mantra and it works. He didn’t give in. Hammer Chap was gleefully written off from many quarters, on numerous occasions in a topsy turvy fluid league campaign. But last week he prevailed against Kevin Painter in a winner probably - depending on permutations - takes it all match. Walloped him actually; 8-1.

One of the mistakes of the gambler is to put too much emphasis on the last result of a team or sportsman. Last time out they won 6-0 they’ll hump Man United or Stoke or whoever. Often the freak hammering (Pun intended! Pun intended!) can flatter to deceive. They have turned the corner, they’re a great team now. It is always safer to look at extended trends; the more data the better.

But we have a lot of data on Hammer Lad, plus a recent eye catching result (the KP walloping). I for one am ready to stop writing him off. Remember he came back from 15-9 to beat Whitlock at the Matchplay last year? Remember his boasts that Simon can’t beat him? He’s got the beating of him?

Face Saving Caveat Time: Simon Whitlock has been hitting the big stuff for weeks, he has the second most 180s in the league this year and is a hairy Aussie chucking monster and he could obviously win; indeed is the favourite to do so.

Prediction: Andy Hamilton wins!

Rightly or wrongly, for reasons that are none of our business or otherwise, for justifiable opinions, or not, for honestly held views about the nature of Premier League darts crowds; for a multitude, for a panoply of reasons; James Wade has been pissed off for weeks.

Bouncyfloorboardgate seemed to put Wade in a funk he hasn’t been able to shake. His contretemps with Adrian Lewis over Aidey’s bouncy walk, and a dodgy floorboard, annoyed Wadey beyond belief. Since then the crowd has been getting on his tits more and more every week. 

Last week in Newcastle was the last straw, or the straw that broke the Wadey’s back. They booed when he threw, it is a debate for another time just how egregious a sin this is. 

These people are just enjoying themselves and the pantomime atmosphere the league encourages; these people are the dregs of Jeremy Kyle’s green room and should be locked up for the safety of the silent majority.

Either way you look at it it’s a debate that has grown stale and more than a bit dull.

Wade had a lot to say about the crowd last week, “Big disappointment with the way the crowd were. I think it’s disgusting.” 

Wade went on to say he wanted, “Equal opportunity,” booing, and believed English players were targeted. He shared this analogy to express his disgust/disappointment, “Most of them [the crowd] are painters and decorators, imagine I came to their work and cut their brushes in half and put holes in their paint tins. They wouldn’t be happy. A lot of people will frown on what I’m saying.”

He’s annoyed. He’s aggravated. Whether this will bring out the big darts remains to be seen. He is the supreme matchplay player and has more oche-command (Just invented that one) than anyone else.

On his match with Taylor, “Phil has just got to play his ordinary darts and he’ll win. Maybe the Alzheimer's is kicking in but he does seem to play better against me. You see him laughing and joking when he’s playing other people.”

That is unmistakably true. When last Phil played Lewis it was jolly Father Christmas Phil on the oche; smiles, laughs, jollity, fun and pleasure. He lost 5-8.

This is what Phil does when he plays Wade:

Prediction: Phil wins! Hammer humps him in the final!

Premier League Darts Newcastle Preview

Latest League Table

After Week 13	P	W	D	L	+/-	LWAT	Pts
Phil Taylor	13	11	1	1	+51	37	23
Simon Whitlock	13	6	2	5	-3	27	14
Adrian Lewis	13	4	4	5	-6	25	12
James Wade	13	5	2	6	-6	23	12
Raymond van Barneveld	13	4	4	5	-11	27	12
Kevin Painter	13	5	1	7	-5	30	11
Andy Hamilton	13	3	5	5	-7	23	11
Gary Anderson	13	3	3	7	-13	27	9

Finals night of Premier League Darts approaches fast. And we are in for the most exciting conclusion to a regular season PLD we have ever seen. 

Phil Taylor and Simon Whitlock have qualified already. James Wade, Adrian Lewis, Raymond van Barneveld, Kevin Painter and Andy Hamilton are all still in contention. Champion Gary Anderson cannot qualify for finals night.

Five men. Two playoff places. £150,000 for the winner.

Shit this is exciting.

It’s not all about the money (ha ha ha ha ha) these are sportsmen, after all, and they want to win stuff. So they all want to be there, on finals night, desperately. But only the top four make it. And in this remarkable season, five men are still in the running for the final two qualification spots going into the last regular season night.

In Birmingham no one embodied this all out fight for playoff qualification quite like Kevin Painter. The man so writeoffable, the man many weren’t sure (including this blog) deserved a place in the league in the first place. The man the bookies were offering 4/1 to defeat World Champ Adrian Lewis in Birmingham, on the latest night of Premier League Darts.

As it turns out the bookmakers are often wrong (though it doesn’t stop them making money hand over fist). Painter defeated a sluggish Lewis 8-3 in the manner we have come to expect from him. He began the match with two ton-plus finishes - he has more checkouts over 100 than anyone else this season - and consistently out finished Lewis throughout the match.

Lewis seemed unaware - of course he was painfully aware - that his playoff qualification wasn’t secure. Lewis can do the freakish on the dart board, against KP he was just freakishly bad. And he was punished for it.

Here comes the science bit, concentrate: there are numerous permutations - more than the love child of Albert Einstein and Carol Vorderman could figure out - but, due to the victory over Lewis, Painter goes into the final week of the regular season knowing that even a draw could take him into the top four. And therefore qualification. If Raymond van Barneveld and Adrian Lewis are defeated that is.

Painter will have his eyes on the prize however. With so many scenarios in the air nothing but a win will satisfy him.

But look who Painter is playing. The other man so eminently writeoffable (not a real word) Andy Hamilton. The man known as the Hammer. Because he will smash you. 

Quote of the season this year is still, “I’ll never ever give in, I’m Andy Hamilton.” Someone put that on a T shirt.

Andy Hamilton vs Kevin Painter for perhaps (permutations permitting) a place in finals night. And the even bigger ‘perhaps’. The more significant, the more lucrative ‘perhaps’; it is Andy Hamilton vs Kevin Painter for another shot at the Premier League. And the riches and the exposure that that entails.

Both are desperate to return next year. And what better argument for inclusion in the 2013 PLD than a photo finish playoff qualification. And who knows, actually win the thing. Lift the 2012 Premier League trophy and join the names of the three other men to do so; Taylor, Wade, Anderson. Like Chelsea in the Champions League, Painter and Hamilton may have to win the cup itself to qualify for next year’s tournament.

The winner - permutations permitting - takes it all.

Another match in this week’s final regular season night is equally mouthwatering. And in this one, too, the winner eats a chicken dinner, and the loser eats out of date leftovers.

Raymond van Barneveld vs James Wade. 

As always there are more mind-boggling permutations surrounding this one, as there always are in the final weeks of the league. But it all boils down to one simple phrase:

If you win you’re in.


Permutations courtesy of PDC:

Here is each players' specific position:
Phil Taylor - Qualified, and will finish first.
Simon Whitlock - Qualified, and needs a point in Newcastle to secure second place.
Adrian Lewis - Must win to be sure of Play-Off place, but could still be eliminated with a draw.
James Wade - Must win to be sure of Play-Off place, but could still be eliminated with a draw.
Raymond van Barneveld - Must win to be sure of Play-Off place, but could still qualify with a draw.
Kevin Painter - A draw may be enough to win a Play-Off place, if Lewis and either Wade or van Barneveld lose. A win, though, may not even be enough to overhaul Lewis and Wade/Barneveld depending on other results.
Andy Hamilton - Must defeat Painter and hope that the Wade-Barneveld game ends in a draw.
Gary Anderson - Eliminated.

On the penultimate night of Premier League Darts everyone is close to the edge:

The Curious Incident of the Three Darts Draws in the Night Time

Playoff permutations hurt my head. So here is a look back at last week's curious incident of three darts draws in the night time. (Exhaustive permutations courtesy of the PDC at end of this blog)

One of the peculiar things about British sport is the acceptance of parity. Of the drawn match, the tied game. Baseball, Basketball, American Football do not accept the draw. Extra periods of time are added until ultimately there is a winner. Not for nothing did Americans invent the term closure.

Before the MLS, American soccer was formatted so that at the end of a drawn game there was a bizarre tiebreaker in which a player would go one on one with the goalkeeper, with a long run up, instead of the traditional kick from the penalty spot. This is how much organisers wanted to avoid the unsatisfying result of a draw. Deemed unpalatable to American audiences.

This is not a sly dig, most of the time they’re right. Most of the time a definitive outcome is more desirable.

There has to be a winner.

There has to be a loser.

Sometimes life is more complicated. In the latest installment of Premier League Darts, three of the four games finished with 7-7 draws. The other match, Phil Taylor’s 8-3 victory over Simon Whitlock, was the worst match of the night. The averages were great, Phil was amazing as ever. But the other three matches were more nuanced, allowed for more shifts in momentum, and had lots more to think about. 

Darts is a cerebral game for the thinking masses.

Kevin Painter went in to his match with James Wade knowing he had to win. Wade went in knowing a draw was sufficient.

When you’re back’s against the wall you have no choice but to fight. And fight dirty. And that’s what Kevin Painter did. He came flying out of the blocks against James Wade. Wade  was on the sluggish side. 

Wade has been known to start slowly, in fact he has been known to fall asleep entirely in matches. Comatose. Lights out. But he has so much matchplay nous that a little mid match kip can, nearly always, be overcome. 

It’s true he won the first leg, with a fourteen darter and a 180, but the next four went with the dartist currently known as the Artist. Kevin Painter growled and squinted his way to four legs on the trot. He displayed the accustomed command of high checkouts that has kept him in the competition.

Painter pinched the third leg against the throw with a sumptuous Shanghai finish, 120. At 4-1 it looked all Painter’s. It would have completely opened up proceedings in the race for playoff qualification if Painter had managed a victory.

But he didn’t. Because while James Wade likes a kip as much as the next man; he’s a light sleeper. Liable to awaken at any moment, and once roused he is pretty good at darts. he dominated the last few legs to earn a draw.

The interesting stuff came in the post-match TV interview. Normally after a draw both players are interviewed by Sky’s Dave Clark. There was no Wade. 

“Where’s Wadey?” said Kevin Painter. He was not best pleased. He seemed to construe Wade’s absence as some kind of insult. He insinuated that other players don’t respect the abilities of league debutants Painter and Andy Hamilton.

“Where’s Wadey?”

Maybe Painter was mentally scarred as a child trying to locate a guy with circular spectacles and a stripey red and white jumper. Those puzzles are hard. In the end you usually find Wally, but there were no signs of Wadey. 

It would be great for the game if Painter and Wade become mortal enemies. Calling each other out, threatening to put each other to bed, that sort of thing. It will be very disappointing if they pretend to like each other in future appearances.

Andy Hamilton went in to his match with Raymond van Barneveld knowing he had to win. Barney went in knowing a draw was sufficient.

While not as captivating as the previous draw there were enough shifts in momentum, players swapping dominance, and story lines aplenty, that the match was still a spectacle. The commentators indulged in reading Barney's mental tea leaves.

“He doesn’t look confident.” 

“His confidence is returning.” 

“That smirk doesn’t bode well for his confidence.”

“Has he lost his bottle?”

“He is showing real bottle.”

We were asked to pull back the curtain on psychosis. Have a look inside Barney’s noggin. There isn’t a lot of play by play in darts commentary - aside from telling the viewer the outshots. Treble such and such. Double such and such.

Like tennis, darts commentary is almost 100% analysis. And when Barney, and indeed Anderson, come to the oche, it becomes Freudian analysis. Darts is a cerebral game remember.

Hamilton v Barney followed the pattern of the previous draw. Good start from the underdog. Strong finish from the alpha dog. Another chucking draw.

Gary Anderson went in to his match with Adrian Lewis knowing he had to win. Lewis went in knowing a draw was sufficient.

Many were expecting a damp squib going into this one, despite the illustrious names involved. Anderson has had an awful year both on and off the oche and few expected him to offer any challenge to an Adrian Lewis hitting excellent form as the Premier League season draws to a close.

We didn’t get that kind of match at all. Anderson was present. He was commanding. He looked well and truly up for a match he had to win. If he can finish the season with similar performances he will go into the UK Open and World Matchplay, in the summer, a man to watch. A man to fear. It was a great performance.

Just as great as the World Champion’s. The one transcendent moment of the match: fourth leg, Lewis had 170 remaining. Two trebles twenties before...he dropped his dart. One throw left. Bullseye needed for the biggest finish in darts.

Lewis is a rhythm player. Nothing disrupts the rhythm like having to bend over. No one likes bending over. Adrian Lewis, like any other normal human being, prefers sitting to bending. 

Seconds seemed to stretch into eternity. He was up. Dart in hand. He chucked. 

Bullseye. 

The only maximum finish of the twelve weeks of Premier League Darts. 170.

There were three draws in one night for the first time in Premier League Darts since April 16, 2009. It happened once before, on March 23, 2006.

If sport is about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat; there has to be a winner, there has to be a loser, for it to truly mean anything.

But not always.


Permutations Party Time:

Simon Whitlock v Andy Hamilton
Whitlock Win: 
Whitlock qualifies for Play-Offs.
Hamilton eliminated.
Draw: 
Whitlock would be in Play-Offs.
Hamilton would be eliminated if Barneveld and Lewis avoid defeat.
Hamilton Win:
Whitlock needs either Wade or Barneveld to lose and he qualifies for Play-Offs.
Hamilton needs Wade or Lewis not to win to avoid elimination.

Gary Anderson v Raymond van BarneveldAnderson Win:
Anderson would need Lewis to lose to avoid elimination.
Barneveld would be eliminated if Wade and Lewis win.
Draw:
Anderson eliminated.
Barneveld would play Wade in Week 14 for the right to reach Play-Offs.
Barneveld Win:
Anderson eliminated.
Barneveld may need only a draw against Wade in Week 14 to qualify, depending on Wade result v Taylor.

If Barneveld loses, he would be eliminated if both Wade and Lewis win.
Anderson must win and hope that Lewis loses to stay in Play-Off race.

Kevin Painter v Adrian Lewis
Painter Win:
He joins Lewis on 11 points and Week 14 games are decisive.
Draw:
Painter eliminated.
Lewis may need only a draw in Week 14 to qualify, and a win in Week 14 would see him qualify.
Lewis Win:
Painter eliminated.
Lewis would be confirmed in the Play-Offs if Barneveld has lost earlier.

James Wade v Phil Taylor
Wade Win:
Wade would be confirmed in the Play-Offs if Barneveld has lost earlier.
Draw:
Wade would only need a draw against Barneveld in Week 14 to qualify for Play-Offs.
Taylor Win (& Barneveld defeat earlier)
Wade has to avoid defeat against Barneveld in Week 14 to qualify.
Taylor Win (& Barneveld win earlier)
Wade would need to defeat Barneveld in Week 14 to qualify.

Latest League Table

After Week 12	P	W	D	L	+/-	Pts
Phil Taylor	12	10	1	1	+44	21
Simon Whitlock	12	6	2	4	+1	14
James Wade	12	5	2	5	+1	12
Adrian Lewis	12	4	4	4	-1	12
Raymond van Barneveld	12	4	3	5	-11	11
Kevin Painter	12	4	1	7	-10	9
Andy Hamilton	12	2	5	5	-11	9
Gary Anderson	12	3	2	7	-13	8

Premier League Darts Liverpool Preview

James Wade v Kevin Painter
Phil Taylor v Simon Whitlock
Andy Hamilton v Raymond van Barneveld
Adrian Lewis v Gary Anderson 

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,

In the lane, snow is glistening

A beautiful sight,

We're happy tonight,

Walking in a Taylor Wonderland

It’s that nostalgic time of year again when we take stock of all that has come before and look to the future with a mix of excitement and trepidation.

Yes. It’s Premier League Darts permutations time.

Yeehah.

That magical time when we gaze at the Premier League table trying to figure out all the possible permutations for playoff qualification. Every bizarre, unlikely and near-impossible scenario flits across our minds.

What if The Hammer wins all of his remaining games? Painter? Heaven forbid; Gary Ando Anderson?

Nah.

Can’t see it. Phil Taylor has qualified, Simon Whitlock sits second with a commanding 3 point lead on third and fourth. Whitlock may not have technically qualified but he is a whisker away. A long bleached chin-whisker away. 

James Wade, Adrian Lewis, Raymond van Barney Barneveld fight it out for the remaining two spots. 

Technically, technically, technically everyone is fighting like beavers for those remaining spots but Painter, Hammer Time and Ando more on a wing and a prayer than any serious chance of qualification. 

It will be a bigger comeback than Chelsea in Barcelona if Ando qualifies at this stage. I hope I’m wrong. Hope I have to eat humble pie, and not just because I love pie, but it’s not going to happen. Come on. It’s not.

But that does not mean the race for qualification is dull. Far from it. It will go down to the wire, and if we can trust the form book - and you can’t often do that in darts - and Whitlock loses to Taylor, he will be back in the muck with Wade, Lewis and Barney, looking over his shoulder at the dartists coming up behind.

Instead of the usual match preview lets look back at a classic match from the league this year, last week’s clash between Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis. A match no one who watched is likely to forget. Unless they were seriously pissed.

Phil Taylor came into his match with Adrian Lewis in Bournemouth on perhaps the most awe-inspiring streak of white-hot form any darts fan has ever witnessed. 

The man who has turned a pub game into a sport, and turned a sport into a science, hasn’t averaged under 100 in any of his performances in Premier League Darts so far. (Well 99.89 in Brighton but we’ll round that up, seems churlish not to).

He’s averaged 112 - twice - 113, 117, hit a nine-darter and dominated like never before. Look up unbeatable in the dictionary and you will not see a picture of Phil Taylor. Dictionaries don’t have pictures, maybe that’s why they’re so boring, but his picture should be there. Smiling back. Unbeatable. 

His only draw came in week one against Adrian Lewis. And even then he came back from 5-1 down and averaged 112. The debate hasn’t been is he the greatest darts player ever? That is not a debate, merely a statement of banal fact. 

The debate has been; is he human? E-petitions abounded, insisting he donate his body to the medical profession upon his demise. We need proof. No, we demand proof that he isn’t extra-terrestrial. 

So Taylor came into his match with Adrian Lewis the overwhelming favourite, and his early play justified the pre-match buildup. While he wasn’t chucking his vintage stuff - in the very early going a 75 average flashed on screen, surely a mathematical error by the Sky Super-Computer  - he was doing all that was required, racing to a 4-1 lead with a couple of 180s and a 13 darter thrown in.

But as they are master and disciple, mentor and protege, Lewis learned the game at Phil’s breast after all (this is an unfortunate image) there is history between them; Oedipal bonds entangle them. As much as Adrian may resent the shadow Phil casts over him. It exists. They have a complicated relationship. 

Games between Phil Taylor and Adrian Lewis are not just darts matches; they are psychic-soap-operas.

After the break, with Lewis running out of legs for a comeback, with Lewis in a heap of trouble and nowhere - seemingly - to go. He simply grabbed the match by the scruff. Adrian Lewis had to get something from the match to, realistically, offer himself the chance to reach playoff night at the O2 Arena. At least a draw.

Watching Adrian Lewis is like watching latent potential. Not potential in that he has the potential to be a great darts player. He already is one. Unfettered potential, in that at any moment, no matter how badly he has played before, or by how large a margin he has missed the sisal target; he can ignite and produce brilliance as if from nowhere. 

It erupts from him in a moment. Sometimes Adrian Lewis just does things. One of those moments was coming.

Before the break Lewis was merely absorbing punishment, walking forward, hands up, chin down. 

Then a shift.

A study must be done on how often momentum changes after a mid-match commercial break. This is a call to the Universities of Britain to abandon all research into the cure, or prevention, of deadly diseases and devote research grants to the most diverting problem of the age; why is there always a momentum shift after an ad break?

We must know.

In darting terms Phil is Adrian’s Daddy. No need to belabour the point, but they have a complicated relationship. 

Maybe Adrian was ruminating on Star Wars after the break, maybe this explains the shift in momentum.

They are Darth Vader and Obi Wan Kenobi fighting at the end of Episode IV A New Hope. “We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now, I am the master.”

Of course, the Obi Wan shift. Lewis must have pretended he was a Jedi. It works in most of life’s difficult situations. Job interviews. Weddings. Darts matches. Is it too much to hope that Lewis muttered to himself, “Help me Obi wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.” Yeah it is too much.

Whatever the reason, Lewis came out after the break willing and able to chuck up a storm. And he did. He started hitting the maximums, he started following up his darts in a stream of consciousness burst of super-fluidity. Dart followed dart followed dart in a seamless rhythmic release of metal. They joined each other in the bed, in bunches. 

Lewis is a big man, and the juxtaposition of his size and the utter precision with which he manipulates tiny objects make his outrageous acts of skill all the more astonishing. He is like the technician in a Japanese factory building computers from miniature micro-chips and tiny tools. Delicate, minuscule manipulations. Or like Andre The Giant painting furniture for doll houses. 

After the break he was back in the game. The crucial leg came at 5-5. It was Phil’s throw, he threw a maximum to leave 60. Lewis stepped up, 160 remaining. Treble twenty, treble twenty, tops. He broke, he took the lead for the first time, he took all of the following legs. Potential unbound, sometimes Adrian Lewis just does things.

Phil didn’t pass the baton, but he did let Adrian Lewis take it home for the night.